There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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