If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
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