my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
