Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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