ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
