i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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