oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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