I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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