Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
