I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?