Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking