i already hear my dad disowning me
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks