We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
