If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
