why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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