Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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