is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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