After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
