If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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