Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
