After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
