she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
