I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
