I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
