Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
