I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
