last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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