So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
