sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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