At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
