I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
