Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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