Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Randomize
