i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
