i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
