Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Actions speak louder than pants.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
