Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
