My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
