Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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