how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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