Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
