Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Michael Bay diarrhea
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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