Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
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Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
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No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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