My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
