There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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