You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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