Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Randomize
