well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
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You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
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Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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