a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
