Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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