Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
