your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
