Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
