omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
