What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
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He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
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if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have peed in a lot of sinks
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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