remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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