And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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