anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This is my life. Enjoy the view
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
