I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
