I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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