I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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