ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Holy shit dude........stairs
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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