420 ftw
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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