I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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